Do You Know a Scorpion?

There was this Hindu who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again.

A man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion that kept stinging him.

But the Hindu said: "It is the nature of the scorpion to sting. It is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?"

Don't give up loving.
Don't give up your goodness.
Even if people around you sting.

I don't know if videoblog is my thing but I thought I would give it a try. I am rather 

uncomfortable doing it but here it is. You can at least put a face to my words.

Bystanders Against Bullies

I am very sensitive to bullying as many of you are too. I don't have tolerance for it and it hurts me to the core when I see it or hear a child cry out because they have been bullied. This blog entry was inspired by a Dateline special about bullying. I got very emotional while watching it.  Now that would not surprise my husband or children because mommy will cry over a soap commercial. In my defense, I have a big heart and my emotions are triggered easily by  happy things, sad things and...any things? Ok, whatever.

 It is fair to say that we as parents hope that our children will make the right choices. It is fair to say we have talked to our kids about bullying, being nice and stepping in when something isn't right. It is also fair to say, we as parents, don't always know the pressures our kids are under and how they will really respond to any given bullying situation.

Even if our kids know what is right and wrong, it can be very difficult for them to stand up for what they know is right and confronting someone who is being mean for fear of being included in the ridicule. None of us really know how we are going to respond to a situation when emotions are involved. How many of us have had the George Castanza moment,
GEORGE: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit! 
GEORGE:  But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerkstore called, and they're running outta you.

That situation where we walked away from a situation and said, "I should have said this or that."  In saying that, we need to arm our kids with tools to help defend themselves and others without making themselves a target.

On the Dateline show, they showed that when one of the kids got the nerve to stand up to the bully, the other kids joined in to stand up for the victim. Sometimes, people just need to know they are going to be backed up. In a group, chances are only one or two of the kids are the mean ones. Some of the others already have bad feelings about what is going on but are afraid to say anything. If one person can stand up and redirect the situation, others may add to the power to stop what is going on. This, then, takes the power away from the abuser.

Now, I also read about the "bystander effect" which says that in a crowd there is a diffusion of responsibility where people don't get involved because they figure someone else will take care of it. I can see how that might be true but no matter what the situation, I would hope that I would assess it enough to decide whether something was being done and take action if needed. I believe in bystanders in numbers.

In another situation, a boy distracted the bullies to get them away from the victim by laying on the floor. This caused the bully to put his attention on him rather than the child being attacked.  Another boy, put himself between the bully and the victim and made positive comments about the victim which encouraged the other kids to do the same. They became a force and took some of the power away from the bully.


We as parents cannot assume our kids won't ever bully no matter how minor the teasing. Kids bully for many reasons. There are family risk factors like lack of attention or supervision, parentental bullying and even victimization by older siblings. There are also peer risk factors like friends that are bullies, aggressive kids,  some kids are insecure or from lower socioeconomic backgrounds and use bullying to deflect from themselves. Kids can also bully when imitating role models that they see on tv and movies. When groups of kids come together with similar interests and backgrounds, they tend exclude others who are different. Parents can be a factor in how kids treat others, as well. When parents form clicks, exclude others and talk negatively about their own peers, it can cause their children to model this same behavior. Bullying is also an attention seeking behavior.

We need to be aware of how our children interact with their close friends and other children and correct behavior that can be misconstrued. It is important not to assume we know what we "want" our kids to be like in public. We need to be aware. I would be extremely disappointed if I found out my kids were being mean to another child. I watch their interactions with their peers at lunch duty, when their friends are over and during other events to see if their behavior is appropriate. My daughter and her friend get sassy with each other often. I correct that behavior because it isn't how I think we need to be talking to one another and I don't want it to be misinterpreted even if they are joking around.


We can also give our kids tools to use to protect themselves against bullies. Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman "offers concrete strategies to help you to empower your daughter to be socially competent and treat herself with dignity."  Rosalind Wiseman was part of the Dateline special as well.

So, these are my thoughts on bullying. Bullying has a dramatic impact on it's victims that take them right into adulthood...if they make it that far. Make sure your child isn't bullying and make sure your child isn't the one being bullied.

Pursuit of Happiness

The other night, I watched the movie called Pursuit of Happyness. It was a great movie. The network started the with a story about the man, Chris Gardner, portrayed in the movie. Before the movie started, we had learned all about Chris Gardner's life and the outcome of his life. In saying that, my husband and I were still at the edge of our seats. The challenges that Chris Gardner was faced with aside from being homeless is enough to make any of us quit. Every step he took forward, he ended up taking three steps back. He still pushed forward with his son as his major influence.  What interested me the most is how we really don't "know" most of the people we meet or work with or even our own family. Chris got an internship to learn how to be a stock broker and none of the other interns nor his bosses even knew what Chris was going through on a daily basis. They saw him as "one" of the  20 interns working for 6 months for the one position that was open in the firm, not the homeless man with a son living on the streets. He had a goal to make a life for himself and find happiness. If his colleagues knew where he was sleeping every night, in a homeless shelter or a subway bathroom with his 4 year old son, what opportunities would they have actually given him? Or would they have been empathetic and helped him out? I suppose we will never know.

So, as I meet someone new or see someone that seems different to me, I try think about what their story might be. Maybe the story I make up is that of a trashy novel or Lifetime movie and is not as complicated as the reality of it but it helps me to be more accepting and empathetic.

Bad Call, Good Sportsmanship

Last summer, Armando Galarraga, a Tiger's baseball player,  was having the game of his career. He was on his way to a perfect game, a game in which a pitcher (or combination of pitchers) pitches a victory that lasts a minimum of nine innings and in which no opposing player reaches base. One bad call by the umpire, JIm Joyce, shattered his dream. The crowd went wild. As Joyce walked off the field he realized he had made a bad call. He "blew" (said Joyce) the biggest call of his career as an umpire. He felt terrible. The fans were outraged by the call.


Interestingly, Galarraga, felt for Joyce. Joyce approached Galarraga after the game to apologize for his mistake. Galarraga said, "He probably feels more bad than me. Nobody's perfect. Everybody's human. I understand. I give the guy a lot of credit for saying, 'I need to talk to you.' You don't see an umpire tell you that after a game. I gave him a hug."  Galarraga showed Joyce compassion and had empathy for him. What a show of sportsmanship and humanity even in the shadow of disappointment. 


 Galarraga's compassion reached the fans and actually changed their outlook on the situation. Instead of it turning into a tumultuous situation there was a total paradigm switch. The fans changed their behavior according to how Galarraga was dealing with it.  He was a gentleman. He was forgiving and humble. The crowd followed suit. The next day, when Joyce came out to umpire the next game, which he was not looking forward to, the fans actually gave him a polite and sympathetic applause.  Amazing.  The night before, he feared leaving the stadium. 


I was so impressed by how Galarraga reacted. The next morning, my husband was running around looking for the sports page. When he got to the kitchen table, he saw me with tears in my eyes  reading the newspaper. Mind you, I am not a sports fan. It  would be highly unlikely to find me having my coffee with the sports page. Normally, it's junk magazines. Today, he found me with his sports page and (I think with a little excitement in his voice) asked me what I was doing with the sports page. I was reading the huge article about Joyce and Galarraga. It was a Flip Side story. Galarraga was seeing things from the Flip Side. I loved seeing how that effected the people around him. I loved the positive outcome of the situation. Amazing what seeing a different perspective can do. It is a ripple effect. Seeing things from another point of view can make us react to things in a different way, a peaceful way. 


Galarraga is a Flip Sider in my book.

When You Give, You Get

 These days in a world of wants where material things are flashed on every TV, every magazine, every billboard and all over the computer, it is difficult to teach our children to be grateful for what we have. As adults, we are faced with the same challenges. It is difficult to put our wants aside and decide that are needs are enough and that we don't need to have everything that our neighbor has. I am guilty of the wants but when I really stop and think about whether I REALLY want it, I can honestly say no. It is a wanting impulse which is momentary and only gives me a passing good feeling . Usually it is replaced with guilt because I don't really need another pair of shoes or another purse or another jacket. So, what is that teaching my children? I can't ask them to be grateful for what they have, if I am always wanting more too.  It has to be a conscious effort on my part to be aware of my actions and model for them what is truly important and the value of "things". I also need to be honest with them about my own difficulties with this challenge. Show them that we are human.  And let me tell you, I LOVE shoes. I don't spend a lot of money them individually but I just love em.
Here are some ways to teach your child about giving:

When you give , you get... Help your child identify with their feelings and emotions when they practice giving.
          It's win-win emotionally. When you give to others, it makes you feel good.

When you get, be grateful... When your child is a recipient of a gift or gesture, teach them what it means to
         be grateful for the things they get or when someone is kind to them. Help them identify with how
         that makes them feel. This will help them have compassion for others they are helping.

Do unto others... Teach your children the old saying, "do unto others as you would want done unto you."
         Treat others the way you want to be treated. Teach them how to walk in someone else's shoes. This
         teaches them empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Help them identify
         with their own feelings when they are mad, sad or happy.

What's going to work? Teamwork.. Creating a team of givers makes the act of giving more fun and
         rewarding when they can share it with others. Gather your family or have them lead a gaggle of their
         friends to do some community service.
    
Every little bit counts... No matter how small the act of giving is, it makes a difference. Helping someone
          pick something up or taking out the garbage still has an impact and is the act of giving of yourself.
          Teach your child that we don't always get recognized for our acts of giving but it is still important.
          Sometimes it is most effective when we anonymously give to another. It is a difficult thing to do but
          but what a powerful secret.

Be the example...As a parent, it is important for you to role model for your children the act of giving no
         matter how big or small.  Express your own emotions and feelings in certain situations like when you
         are mad or sad or excited. Point out times when you are giving of yourself. Find an activity that  your
         whole family can participate in together that involves the act of giving like adopting a family, going
         to a food kitchen, helping someone elderly or helping each other clean up the yard in the Spring.

The act of giving of yourself, sacrificing, is a powerful character builder. It helps us feel compassion, empathy and gratefulness. Give of yourself "Just Because".

Politics on the Flip Side

Late last night I watched an interesting story about the Wisconsin GOP Senator, Glenn Grothman (a Republican), who was heckled, chased and cornered by a mob of protesters outside of the Wisconsin State capital. It was clearly a volatile situation. (Democratic) Congressman Hulsey stepped in to calm the crowd and help Grothman. The crowd was acting in a hostile manner and quickly getting out of control. Hulsey told the crowd that even though he and Grothman have very different views he is still a friend of his. The crowd then calmed down. Was Hulsey showing empathy for Grothman in this unsettling situation? It seemed that way to me. He could clearly see that this was not an appropriate way to protest, by assaulting the Senator,  so he stepped in.

After the story, there was an interview with the two men. I was anxious to see both views on the situation especially since I saw it as a "flip side" moment. Was it a political move for Hulsey? Was Grothman grateful? Was Hulsey going to be humble? Well, my husband and I were disappointed by the interview. After Hulsey, humbly, explained what had happened and why he helped Grothman, they asked Grothman about his view of the situation. He was not grateful and he actually said it was not big deal and that the crowds were fine and he was in no danger. Well, maybe he wasn't in danger, but he was clearly in distress and Hulsey clearly helped him out of the situation. He showed no graciousness to Hulsey. He almost ignored what the interview was actually about and continued with his politics. REally?

Well, this is what Flip Side is all about. Real stories, real situations and they don't always end up the way we want them to. This wasn't just about politics. Yes, there were democrats acting inappropriately for their passionate reasons  and not showing compassion for a man who has his own passionate views and there were Republicans who weren't able to let go of their politics to see the compassion given by another. The point is that there were all kinds of people who could only think about their views and instead of making the points that they wanted to, we all saw anger, violence, lack of empathy and ignorance.

That is ok though. As long as we are proactively thinking about the "Flip Side", we can put our own emotions in check and not let people like that effect our own emotions and reactions to those events. We can't help someone who doesn't see anyone else's point view or someone who is just mean but WE can try to see where they are coming from and say, maybe, there's nothing I can do about that person except adjust my interactions with them so I am not hurt by them.

In this story, Hulsey sacrificed his position with his followers to help a human being in need. That is the bottom line. It sickens me to see crowds who protest so unpeacefully and to see someone who just can't put their ego aside to be grateful. Hulsey is a "Flipsider" in this case.

See for yourself. Look at it as human beings and their interactions, not necessarily as a political issue.
GOP Senator and Protesters

March Madness- Lion vs. Lamb

March has arrived. The old saying goes, "In like a Lion, out like a lamb. In like a lamb, out like a LIon." I am looking outside and trying to determine how I want to look at this. What is the time period for the "IN" when deciding how it has arrived? Is it the first day of March, the first week or the first half of the month? I am hoping it is the first half of the month because it is pretty calm and sunny. I don't want a wild end to March. Hmm. Then I am thinking, look at all that snow and it is still cold out there. It doesn't feel like spring so maybe that's still a lion? Probably not.

So as of today, I would say in like a lamb, so we will be going out with a roar. It's Michigan. Michigan has its own rules. Wait an hour, it will change. That is why I love Michigan. It also makes you appreciate the beautiful days. I love the first signs of spring too because Michiganders come alive. People are everywhere and happy to be in Michigan. (wait an hour, it will change, then we're grumpy) Michigan is quite unique in its season changes. We have 4 distinct seasons with so much to offer. I love Michigan.

For fun, I wrote a Flip Side Story about the Lion and Lamb. May I share? Pure Michigan

by amber j housey©2011